this is my midlife.
i’ve been thinking about my own midlife so much lately. not the stereotypical “omg, what am i doing with my life?!” disillusionment as we loosen capitalism’s grasp on our personal existence, but posing that exact same question with curiosity and creativity, ways to be of service to my community, and a diminishing fear of failure. if life is a mountain, i’m actively climbing up the peak right now. i’m nearing or at the summit, with the best visibility of where i’ve come from and hopeful ideas about where i’m going, despite it being shrouded by dense fog. i’m excited to be on the climb. it feels good. it feels crazy. i feel like i’m really in love with myself while recognizing that i’m still learning, growing, developing, and changing every day. and i guess i just want folks to know this is what midlife feels like for real. or at least what it can feel like. no brand new expensive cars or motorcycles in sight. it can feel like a natural progression of who you are at your core even if the iterations of that look totally different. it can feel like letting yourself fully be the person you thought you couldn’t be before.
my midlife is…
falling in love with trying
writing the women i know, love, and want to see on the page
having hot flashes in the grocery store
wearing skirts and dresses more than i have since high school when i had to wear a uniform
gray hairs everywhere but on my damn head
hoping my friends’ kids will like me enough to want me at their high school graduations
finding a therapist who truly sees me and understands that being seen is probably the only thing i’ve ever wanted from my family and have never received
slowly accepting i might be naturally stylish
dancing harder than i did in my teens and 20s combined
laughing, laughing, and more laughing
long conversations with friends who feel like sisters
admitting that despite previously living like a semi-recluse, i actually do want to host
traveling wherever whenever for however long
serving my east flatbush and harlem communities
being vulnerable about wanting to be known
creating a present that aligns with the future i hope to be in
smiling about the new moles and wrinkles i find on my face
waking up every day and thinking “damn these ages with the three in the front are getting the fuck up out of here, huh?”
scheduling conversations with friends and actually keeping the dates most of the time
telling people i want to get to know them better and planning opportunities for us to do just that
building routines that provide rigid structure AND choice because that’s how i can actually get things done
owning that i’m a creative and have something, many somethings in fact, that i want to say through my art
being the cheerleader friend, constantly and very happily
crying happy tears
having FUN.
my midlife is…this. and i’m loving it.
