my relationship with risk.
what’s your relationship with risk?
not danger or how comfortable you are putting yourself in dangerous situations. risk. how comfortable are you trusting your gut enough to make a calculated and fulfilling decision for yourself that comes with a more than usual level of risk? while i don’t necessarily consider myself to be someone with an increasing tolerance for risk (shocking!), it appears my life doesn’t agree. be it not having a job after graduation 15 years ago and finding creative ways to secure an internship to ensure i could pay my first student loan bill, or deciding to pursue grad school 11 years ago to explore my desire to work in college sports, or leaving a role after 5 months to work alongside one of my mentors. i’ve both had and have created opportunities to make big decisions for myself – career and life-defining decisions or pivots or i changed my minds. i relish the chances i’m given and the chances i take to exercise my free will. to look at a situation or an opportunity or a potential way to live, interrogate whether it’s what i really want for my life, and make a decision, while also giving myself the freedom and courage and autonomy to change my mind or say i fucked up.
the biggest professional risk i’ve taken and bet i’ve made on myself thus far has been quitting a c-suite job with no backup plan in the midst of an insane 2023 job market to prioritize my then diminishing mental health. it was an opportunity to see how comfortable i was with living in the unknown for the first time. surrendering to having no plan. not without guardrails, but also leaving myself open to the different paths i could take and how they could change the trajectory of my life. it was an introspective, anxious, and eye-opening time, and i learned to trust myself more than i had before, as well as trust what i’ve contributed to the world and people around me, and the connections i’ve been able to build during my time on this earth. that purposeful pause helped me learn that i could sit with my negative feelings and feel them while wandering through the wilderness, without also needing to find the quickest way back to “security.” it’s precisely because of that experience that i feel (surprisingly) self-assured during a period of what many others would describe as suddenly increased uncertainty – a layoff. a move that nearly always feels like the proverbial rug’s been pulled from under you. am i still feeling shaken, unmoored, lost? absolutely. but not more days than i’m feeling encouraged, curious, FREE.
the trust i continue to build in myself and the belief i have in my intuition, autonomy, and decision-making are so precious to me. my relationship with risk is really my relationship with self-trust. a rock-solid belief in myself even if shit goes wrong, because it’ll still be me who has to pick up the pieces if it does, and i’ll still need to be able to believe in myself as i trudge through and after i overcome. i’m grateful to be able to hear, recognize, and know my inner voice as i attempt to thoughtfully evaluate those opportunities that require me to lean into risk to reap reward or learn something about myself, my skills, my values. coloring outside lines and imagining a life outside of traditional boxes.
trying to take this book from an idea to a paperback is yet another risk, as is this blog. sharing my writing and my voice, opening myself up to feedback and potential criticism, inviting pressure to consistently create meaningful, long-lasting, profound pieces of work. putting myself out there as a creative could be the most defining risk of my life, and it’s one i feel more comfortable taking than i ever imagined. i’m excited about how my relationship with risk will continue to grow and change as i age and learn more about myself. i hope my trust in myself will continue to open doors and windows that future me can’t wait for present me to experience.
