on the way to bravery.

i’m someone who doesn’t consider herself to be particularly brave. yes, even though i travel solo around the US and abroad. yes, even though i once quit my full-time job with no backup plan solely to let my brain and my body rest. yes, even though i’m sharing my writing with the world (while internally screaming about it every week). i reach for “risk-tolerant” as an adjective to describe myself before “brave” or “confident” any day, more willing to accept my resilience than my proven readiness to take a step forward into the dark. it’s frustrating – being able to so clearly see bravery in others and just as clearly not see it in myself. in what i’ve been doing. in what i’m trying to do.

i’m working on it.

in the meantime, i’m somewhere in the middle. on my way to bravery and in search of my next chapter. my layoff feels like i’ve been pushed off a cliff, or maybe teetering on the edge. the precipice. one of those “who are you?” moments. that shakes you and pleads “how are you going to show up for yourself?”. those days and weeks and months you’ll look back on years from now as the ones that changed your life. i’m in them. i’m in the change. not yet ready to accept i’m actually the confident woman who takes steps without knowing what comes next, but taking them all the same.

and you know what? i like it here. if i can’t yet say i’m brave, i can say i’m built for this. for the murky middle. i’m always willing to try something and pivot. i’ll start over again and again. this next phase of my life is undoubtedly a creative one. it’s already demanding more from me – reshuffling my priorities, ensuring that believing in myself is my full-time job with discipline and vulnerability not far behind. it’s new and uncomfortable but i’m doing it. writing the thousands and thousands of words and scheduling the posts and sharing my voice. drafting recipes and brainstorming event ideas and facilitating workshops. i’m in the time that i want to say changed my life. i’m doing all the things i want to say i did to make it happen. or i’m at least trying to. i’m valuing my attempts. is it stressful and is it chaotic and does my anxiety sometimes feel like it’s going to swallow me whole? yes. of course. i’m a human. but generally? i’m better than good. my soon-to-be bravery got me. my almost-confidence got me.

there’s no blueprint for the life i’m creating for myself and while terror likely resides somewhere in my body at the unknown of it all, it never outweighs the thrill of doing things my way. is the absence of terror bravery? musings for another day.

one day i’ll believe i’m brave. until then, i am.