curiosity, conversation, connection.
my mind is preoccupied with conversation. the quality and quantity of the conversations i’m having, my level of comfort with conversations, how to improve my conversational skills.
how often do you spend thinking about the conversations you’re having? and not in a ruminating “omg, why tf did i say that?!” way that plagues too many of us, but questions like:
how much time have i spent speaking to this person over the past few years?
how much in-person solo conversation time have we had?
what do i know about this person beyond what they’ve been doing?
how do our conversations make me feel?
in october, i posted a tweet talking out loud to myself about what feels like a current societal lack in yearning to be more interesting and my hopes to be an even stronger and more intriguing conversationalist. my thoughts unexpectedly resonated with many others, revealing our collective nostalgia for a time where there appeared to be more curiosity, commitment, effort, and desire driving people to want to be both interesting and interested. people seemed to want to be known and to know. (it’s also quite possible we’re nostalgic for a time that never truly existed, but one we instead want to exist, but that is the beautifully frustrating way cultural nostalgia works.)
the discussion of conversation and showing interest and connecting more deeply with others is often readily applied to dating and partnership, but i think about curiosity and connection in terms of personal development and community building first and foremost. we need to practice finding the novelty in the ordinary and everyday. it makes anyone someone to know, with a wealth of information to discover, and you someone capable to connect with them deeply in one conversation or several, simply because of your interest and effort. at a time when we’re all exhausted and much more willing to use said exhaustion as the first reason we’re not extending ourselves beyond what is necessary, we will have to lean on interest and curiosity to push us to connect, and connect in ways we can truly feel.
we need to become more interested in people’s philosophies versus solely their facts. not just their whats, but their hows and whys. their motivations and their thought processes. their responses to how did you feel about this situation? why did you make that decision? we need to possess a desire to learn about a person through the information they’ve shared and not just learn a person’s information. this is not to say that you don’t need to know the seminal moments of someone’s life to truly know them; however, it is remarkable how much more deeply you can know someone simply by asking them why or how. within the span of a conversation, you might find you’re even starting to understand their facts better because you have been curious enough to uncover their philosophies.
we know the way to get closer to others is not by asking questions to collect lists of their facts – it is wanting to know them through the decisions they make and the questions they ask themselves, the world, and others in order to make those decisions. people who are excited about these pieces of us and our stories versus what we did today, yesterday, last month, or what we’re doing tomorrow are the people we want to keep in our lives. the people who use our philosophies to start new conversations and create new memories with us are the people we want to spend our time with. the people who are interested in digging a bit deeper get more from you, not just because they asked questions, but because of the questions they ask. we need to commit to BEING these people.
if you too have been preoccupied with conversation, we’re not the only ones – with more books and podcasts covering the topic and exploring potential links between conversation and the loneliness epidemic. over the past two weeks, i listened to two different podcast episodes tackling the art and science of conversation, communication, and connection – “we need to talk” (hidden brain), featuring alison wood brooks, a behavioral scientist at harvard business school and “how to talk to anyone” (supercommunicators with charles duhigg) featuring nick epley, a psychology professor at the university of chicago and lifelong researcher of deep questions. both reference the importance of asking thoughtful deep questions to ensure you’re having high-quality conversations with the people in your life and the people you meet. conversations that make you feel something, make you feel seen or heard, make you feel like you’ve learned something from the other person, make you feel connected.
repeated themes include curiosity and interest. i fervently believe we will need curiosity to get us out of our current state of blasé. this era of nonchalance, of not trying too hard. this acquiescence to the no to low effort existence. it is not serving us.
being curious unlocks opportunities to converse, to connect, to learn new information, to move about different environments – being interested makes you interesting! we need to like being interested. we need to find value in being good at conversation, and find value in stumbling along the way to good. every conversation isn’t going to be great, but by practicing, we’re able to maximize opportunities to connect with both the people in our lives who we love and the people we’ve just met.
one of the things i appreciated most about “how to talk to anyone” was the mention of frequent practice with conversation teaching you to become a person able to more easily spot opportunities for conversation in the wild. in my solo socializing post last month, i wrote about my curiosity-fueled bravery as i engage with new people and the practice i get from taking advantage of opportunities to start conversations with full acknowledgement of potential awkwardness. because i put myself out there often, i feel more and more comfortable recognizing opportunities to converse and be curious and learn about someone new. a good conversation, no matter how brief, has the potential to change someone’s hour, day, life. let us all find value and meaning in how we converse with one another. the interest and effort are worth it.
i recommend giving the podcast episodes a listen. i’ll also be reading at least two of the books referenced – “talk: the science of conversation and the art of being ourselves” (alison wood brooks) and “supercommunicators: how to unlock the secret language of connection” (charles duhigg), with hopes of becoming a better conversationalist and learning how to strengthen the quality of questions i ask to more deeply connect with the people who have been in my life for years and those i meet right outside my door.
